You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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