You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
