my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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