clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
