somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
