Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
