I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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