Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Randomize
