fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
