some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
