I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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