i think my mom watched the whole time
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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