Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
