If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
