I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
