Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
