I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
