Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
