I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
