just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
