Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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