Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I think I just sharted jello shots
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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