Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
