Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
