so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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