good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
