she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
