every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
