Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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