This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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