Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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