She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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