My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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