Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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