final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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