Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
