dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
