ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I forget how to act sober
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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