Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Randomize
