ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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