There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
