I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
