It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
