i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Are we still banned from the library?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
