hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
