I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
