K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
