my mouth tastes like poor choices
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
