u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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