You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
