The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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