So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
