Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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