Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
