A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm determined to sit on that face.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize