Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
