i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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