My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I didn't notice because vodka
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
